All that Matters
by Desertfyre
Summary: ***Previously titled The Missing Piece*** Takes an AU approach to the events after 5x18 Point of No Return. After returning to Bobby's Dean realizes a piece of himself will forever be missing....or will it? MajorGuiltyDean and LimpSam
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I don't own Dean, Sam or Bobby. That honor belongs to Eric Kripke. Though he is generous to allow us fans to play with his sandbox, and for that I thank him.

A.N: So finally, I finished writing the 6th story that I had that is based on the 100th eppie. As usual I doubt that it will all be uploaded at one time or in one day since this is a multi-chapter story.

Before I forget I want to give a shout-out to CBloom2. I hadn't even thought about possible side-effects that Zachariah's little celebration fest had on Sam. So after it was mentioned I had to incorporate that into my story. So thanks so much for the idea!

Some of lines or ideas in this chapter are eluded to my story, A Bridge Rebuilt, so you don't have to read that one to understand this story, but it might be a good idea so you know where I'm coming from concerning Bobby and Dean.

Without further ado, I hope you enjoy this story!

Summary: Takes an AU approach to the events after 5x18 Point of No Return. After returning to Bobby's Dean realizes a piece of himself will forever be missing…..or will it? MajorGuiltyDean and some LimpSam

* * *

Prologue:

Then: 

_The world's ending and the walls coming down on us. I look over to you and all I can think is this stupid son of a ****** brought me here. I just didn't want to let you down. _

_Well, you didn't. You almost did….but you didn't. _

_----_

_I owe you an apology. _

_No, no you don't. _

_-----_

_If you are grown up enough to find faith in me, the least I can do is return the favor. So screw destiny, right in the face. I say we take the fight to them and do it our way. _

_Sounds good….. _

* * *

Now: 

They had reached Bobby's after a three day journey.

It was no fun.

Since they rode angel express they did not have sufficient funds or their gear to get a motel. So they slept in their "borrowed" vehicle when they could find someplace to pull off at. For the most part Dean drove the long hours back to Bobby's.

It was pure torture.

Since there wasn't any good music to put on or anything good on the radio half the time, silence waged between the two passengers.

It was comfortable silence. The most comfortable it had been for a long time. But since Dean had nothing to focus on, he was left alone with his thoughts.

And that was a bad thing in and of itself.

Dean thought back through the last couple of weeks.

He had so much mending to do! He had a long list of apologizes to make. He already apologized to Sam although Sam had first tried to wave him off. He still had to apologize to Bobby and Castiel as well, when they found him.

And soon, guilt began to eat Dean up. If only he had a third foot….ah well, he settled for mentally hitting himself of the head the entire way.

By the time they had reached Bobby's guilt was eating Dean up. He could not believe that such a low blow had slipped from his mouth directed towards Bobby. Sam had began to be able to read him and told him that Bobby wouldn't be mad.

That didn't make Dean feel any better. Not until he and Bobby had a talk. And of course, Bobby gave him a good slap upside the head.

Well, two slaps anyway.

With that behind him, Dean felt a little better. Now if they could only track down Castiel.

So far no word had come to them about him.

He admitted he was worried about the guy.

It wasn't until the night they got back to Bobby's and began to get resettled that it hit Dean full force. He was getting ready to take a shower when subconsciously he reached up to stroke what was no longer there.

He looked into the mirror to confirm that it was no longer there.

It wasn't.

He swallowed as that memory came back to haunt him.

That clank resounded in his soul, and threatened to eat him up.

Bobby was wrong.

He hadn't been a combo sized idjit.

He had ordered whatever would be bigger that the combo size.

How could he fix it this time?

**TBC... **


	2. How to Fix it?

Disclaimer: I don't own Dean, Sam or Bobby. That honor belongs to Eric Kripke. Though he is generous to allow us fans to play with his sandbox, and for that I thank him.

A.N: Nothing to say really.

Summary: Takes an AU approach to the events after 5x18 Point of No Return. After returning to Bobby's Dean realizes a piece of himself will forever be missing…..or will it? MajorGuiltyDean and some LimpSam

* * *

Chapter 1: How to fix it?

Dean reached up to grasp what was no longer there for the umpteenth time. He sighed and looked at his reflection in the mirror, mentally kicking himself once more.

It was the second day back at Bobby's.

The first day had passed rather uneventfully.

The night back at Bobby's Dean was not able to sleep well. The memory of what he had done assaulted him. He would occasionally glance over at Sam during the night to see him sleeping rather peacefully. Dean guessed that it had been a long time since he was able to and was happy that Sam was resting. Though he couldn't believe, that Sam had tried to wave his apology off earlier. Dean felt that Sam should have tried to beat him at the first available opportunity.

Cas sure had, and didn't hold back either.

When they awoke and began their first day back, Dean couldn't help but not to look at Sam as much as he could without looking like an idiot for doing so. That wasn't really working as Sam was quick to ask Dean if there was anything wrong.

Of course Dean denied that anything was wrong.

In truth how could he tell his brother? How could he look him in the eyes after what he did? How could Sam still look at him without disgust? And after what he did, how could he be worth that much that Sam did not give up on him; that he fought for him?

Then the words he had uttered to his brother in the panic room, purposely striking him down, knowing that it hurt him; how could Sam still through all that care enough to try to wave off his apology?

The first day, Dean was without a doubt, a walking bucket of major, major guilt.

It was amazing that Dean was able to get through the day not being weighed down by it all; crushed in the final inning by it all.

Now it was the morning of the second day back and Dean still did not feel any better than he had the first day. In fact he felt a bit worse. He sighed once more. He had to go and face Sam again. He couldn't spend all day in the bathroom.

That was supposed to be Sam's gig.

Dean smiled lightly to himself at the joke on his brother. He opened the door and exited the bathroom.

'Guess Sam is already downstairs for breakfast', he thought absently as he walked out of the room and bound down the stairs.

"Well, it's about time you got up", Bobby groused good-naturally.

"Glad to know I was missed", Dean grinned and took a seat across from his brother who smile a greeting at him.

Dean gave a lopsided grin and looked quickly at Bobby. Out the corner of his eyes, he could see the happiness in Sam's eyes. It hadn't seem to dull yet. Not even yesterday, when Dean's seeming ashamed and shy behavior appeared out of nowhere.

Sam only asked him what was wrong once and since Dean would not say, Sam didn't push.

It seemed Sam was just happy that Dean was trying and was happy to have him back. It seemed that was all that mattered to Sam.

Was to have his big brother back.

That did nothing but elevate Dean's guilt.

"So what's on the menu?" Dean inquired.

"Pancakes", Bobby said as he set a plate in front of Dean.

"Oooh, yum, fork it over", Dean said rubbing his hands together.

"You'd eat anything edible", Sam snorted.

"I haven't had a proper meal in weeks, I'm starving", Dean justified as Bobby placed a plate in front of him. He was quick to dig in.

"For once, I'm glad to see you be a bottomless disposal, Dean", Sam said.

Dean looked up with a small smile around the food in his mouth. He saw again the happiness in Sam's eyes. He near groaned as he looked away quickly.

It was killing him that Sam looked at him like that.

Big brother, superhero! It said in essence.

He hadn't seen those eyes in a long time.

He resisted the urge to reach up and pat the empty space that the amulet once resided.

It was probably scrap metal somewhere.

That thought made Dean want to spit out his food. He had managed to stay away from that thought but it appeared in the most inopportune of times.

He near choked.

"Hey, you alright", Sam asked worry clouding his eyes.

"Yeah, went down wrong pipe", Dean coughed reaching for his water to take a sip.

"I know you are hungry, but don't stuff it down so fast. It's not going to up and walk and no one is going to steal it", Sam said with a light laugh.

Dean chuckled once.

How could he ever tell his brother exactly what plagued him?

**TBC..... **

* * *

A.N: I know the chapter are a bit on the short side right now. They get a bit longer as the story goes on.....I think anyway. The chapters may be a bit on the short side.


	3. Happiness and Slices of Pain

Disclaimer: I don't own Dean, Sam or Bobby. That honor belongs to Eric Kripke. Though he is generous to allow us fans to play with his sandbox, and for that I thank him.

A.N: Nothing to say really.

Summary: Takes an AU approach to the events after 5x18 Point of No Return. After returning to Bobby's Dean realizes a piece of himself will forever be missing…..or will it? MajorGuiltyDean and some LimpSam

* * *

Chapter 2: Happiness and Slices of Pain

Sam looked at Dean, happiness enveloping his being. He had never felt this happy….well not in a long time anyway.

They still had work to do on so many levels but he was still happy. He had been happy ever yesterday. He knew it showed, and he knew he probably looked like some guy who just met his superhero (something he was sure he didn't look like for years), but he couldn't seem to hold it back.

He was just so darn happy!

And why shouldn't he be? They managed to get Dean back on the correct path and Sam felt that now they had a chance since the ducks were back in the correct order as well as in a row.

Well, there was still one duck missing.

Castiel.

Sam shook his head mentally at his thoughts. They had to find Castiel……. and Adam as well. So far they didn't know what happened to either of them.

He gave a small sigh over the thought. A small slice of pain cut through his chest, or back, he couldn't tell, over the quiet sigh. His breath stiffened once. Sam shifted absently in his chair, trying to find relief.

Apparently sleeping in car for the past couple of days did nothing to help his back…or his chest for that matter.

"Are you alright?" came a voice bringing Sam back to earth.

Sam blinked and focused to see his brother glazing at him rather intently. Bobby had also shifted his glaze to the younger man.

"Uh, yeah….I'm good", Sam said. Dean just stared a few moments.

Sam smiled reassuringly."Really…."

"But……you……" Dean broke off and went back to his meal. Bobby looked between the two of them before returning back to his own meal.

Silence reigned as the meal commenced. Although things were getting back on track, there was a small bit of tension between the brothers. If you didn't know them well you would never be able to tell. However, Bobby was in that small group that could tell. Of course he would say nothing until he felt it was getting out of hand.

At various times, yesterday Sam would look up and find Dean looking at him. As soon as he looked up though, Dean would quickly turn away. But not before Sam saw a slice of guilt that still lingered in Dean's eyes.

Frankly, Sam did not know why he still felt guilty. It seemed that hard feelings were put to rest in the car ride. Sam made sure not to give his brother a hard time. All that mattered to him was that Dean was with them now. He knew that Dean slowly started feeling very guilty about Bobby but that had been remedied the other night. There was not further tension between Dean and Bobby….

So where did this seemingly unexpected guilt crop up from?

Sam did not fail to notice the small shift in Dean's attitude. It was as if he feared looking at him too long.

Regardless, it didn't make Sam any less happy…..confused maybe but no less happy.

He felt anything else they could deal with.

He was hoping that whatever was wrong with Dean that he could come to him if he needed to. Of course this was Dean we are talking about. So Sam decided to give him a few days and if it persisted he would get it out of Dean.

"Alright, boys, I have to get going", Bobby said cleared his place and put the dishes in the sink. Then he began to roll his wheelchair to the door.

"Where are you going?" Dean enquired around a mouth of pancakes.

"Gotta go see about something that may help us get one step closer to defeating the devil", Bobby said.

"Ahh…"

"Here, let me see you off", Sam stated standing up wiping his hands on a napkin. Another slice of pain ran through Sam. He paused once, shifting on his feet slightly.

"Boy, I got it", Bobby groused not sensing this change in Sam. Dean however did, as he stared up at his brother, his eyebrows knitted together in scrutiny.

Sam grinned once recovering from the pain. "It will be easier and I'll feel better."

Yeah, alright, if you insist", Bobby grumbled.

"Let me roll you out", Dean said unexpectedly as he stood up quickly. Sam looked at him surprised.

"Dean, I am not a race-car", Bobby warned.

Dean grinned. "Of course not", he drawled clutching the handles of the wheelchair. "Get the door, Sam", he called back.

Sam nodded and held open the door as Dean rolled Bobby out…..very….slowly.

"Boy, I'm not a turtle either", Bobby growled.

Dean's grin did not cease, "Aw, come on Bobby. First you complain about not going to fast and now you are complaining around going too slow? Which is it, Bobby?"

"Dean….."

"Alright, alright", Dean chuckled, as he pushed a reasonable speed to the truck

Sam tried to stifle his chuckle. Instead another shot of pain ran through him harder and longer than before. He couldn't help but to reach up and clutch his chest as he closed the door behind him. He leaned on the railing of the porch. He was grateful that Dean was occupied in seeing to Bobby's comfort and putting the wheelchair in the truck before sending him off on his errand.

Sam breathed in an out trying to steady the growing the pain. In truth, he had been having some problems since yesterday but it wasn't as bad as it was now.

'That truck, really didn't agree with me', he thought grimly.

He managed to get himself together and straighten out in time for Dean to wave to Bobby and turn back towards the house. Sam gave his own follow up wave to Bobby.

Dean came up the steps. "Whoo-hoo, we got the run of this place", he said clapping his hands together.

Sam simply smiled.

**TBC…. **

* * *

A.N: A little humor btw Dean and Bobby. lol


	4. Side Effects?

Disclaimer: I don't own Dean, Sam or Bobby. That honor belongs to Eric Kripke. Though he is generous to allow us fans to play with his sandbox, and for that I thank him.

A.N: Nothing to say really.

Summary: Takes an AU approach to the events after 5x18 Point of No Return. After returning to Bobby's Dean realizes a piece of himself will forever be missing…..or will it? MajorGuiltyDean and some LimpSam

* * *

Chapter 3: Side-effects?

The Winchester walked back into the house locking up behind them. They returned to the table to finish up their meal. Dean glanced at Sam.

He swallowed his bite of food before asking, "Are you alright? You are looking a bit pale, there."

'And quiet', was his added thought to himself.

Sam had been preoccupied with stifling the dull pain that seemed to be a part of his chest and back now. He was sitting extremely still. Well, as still as he could and still eat. He making sure to breathe a bit shallower so that it did not hurt him as much. It was working….at little.

Dean took the time to really look at Sam, lowering his fork. He knitted his eyebrows together in worry.

Sam looked up. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you keep asking?" he asked.

Dean just stared at him. Sam shifted once under his unflinching glaze. Finally he stood up taking his plate with him. Turning his back he was slow to put his dish in the sink.

"So, what are you going to do?" Sam asked. He was aware of his brother's piercing glaze on his back as he proceeded to occupy himself with fixing the sink to let the dishes soak to watch later.

Dean didn't answer right away. He was starting to see that something was wrong but Sam wouldn't tell him. He would give it a short while and then he would hound his brother until he told him.

"Well, since Bobby's out and won't be back until tomorrow, I'm going to rock his TV set", Dean finally answered finishing off the last of his pancakes.

Sam made the mistake of letting a chuckle out then broke off suddenly, his hand flying up to grasp his chest. He breathed and shut his eyes leaning on the sink. He tried to breathe through it. It seemed to work. He was unaware of a hand on his back and worried eyes glazing at him, or even a voice calling his name.

It took a few moments to realize he was being called for.

"Dean?" Sam questioned.

Sam felt Dean relaxed if only marginally. "Seriously, what's wrong?" Dean asked.

Sam couldn't help to reveled in the concern in Dean's voice. A few weeks ago, Dean wasn't the overprotective big brother….he barely cared. Now though, he seemed to be watching Sam closely for anything out of place. Sam knew that someday it'll get on his nerves again but for now he was grateful for it.

Truly.....

"Guess, I shouldn't have chuckled so hard", Sam gave a sideways smile.

Dean didn't find it funny as he furrowed his brow. "Sam if that was chuckling hard I'd want to know what is chuckling easy."

"Ha-ha…..just sleeping in a car wasn't agreeable I guess", Sam said.

"I know you are a giant, Sam, but are you sure that is all it is?"

"What do you mean?" Sam found he was able to stand up a little straighter, his hand falling from his chest, as he turned to his brother.

"Zacky. Are you sure it's not a side effect of whatever he was doing to you?"

Sam thought about it as he felt the pain receding. "I'm sure it's nothing of that sort", he said.

"Maybe….we should go to the hospital just in case", Dean said eyeing his little brother.

"Dean….." there was a warning in Sam's voice. He was not going to the hospital! And he was not going to a hospital especially given the current world crisis going on right now. He would not lay up in bed for even a second when all hands were needed on deck.

Dean studied his brother then slowly relented though everything in him was saying put the guy in a sack and drag him to the hospital. But he would let Sam be an adult….for now.

"Fine….but you let me know if it gets worse, understand." Dean gave his no-nonsense voice.

Sam smiled, his eyes lightening up, unexpectedly making Dean frown and ask, "What?"

"Nothing…", Sam looked away from Dean with a small smile, "Nothing at all", he murmured quietly.

"You still haven't agreed", Dean pressed.

"I shall tell you, if it gets worse", Sam promised.

Dean nodded after a moment and stepped away from Sam. "Anyway, let's go rock the TV set", he said with a small grin.

"Nah, I should scope through Bobby's books", Sam said absently.

"Sam…..take it easy and take a break….." Dean said glaring at his younger sibling.

"That is taking a break from me", Sam's mouth twitched.

Dean sighed. "Fine…do whatever." Then with a final glance over Dean darted into the living room and turned the TV on.

Sam breathed a sigh of relief and absently his hand went up to rub his chest. He didn't want to give Dean anything more to worry about then what was already on his plate. He would take care of this himself. Sam turned and got out some Tylenol.

**TBC.... **

* * *

A.N: Typical Sam, swallow the pain and move on....

Next chapter things start making some headway.


	5. Run a round

Disclaimer: I don't own Dean, Sam or Bobby. That honor belongs to Eric Kripke. Though he is generous to allow us fans to play with his sandbox, and for that I thank him.

A.N: We start having making some headway as I said last chapter. =D

Summary: Takes an AU approach to the events after 5x18 Point of No Return. After returning to Bobby's Dean realizes a piece of himself will forever be missing…..or will it? MajorGuiltyDean and some LimpSam

* * *

Chapter 4: Run-a-round

Sam combed through the books , some he had looked through before. He felt he was doing something productive to keep looking in the books, hoping the answer would jump out at him.

"When is it ever that easy?" he murmured to himself, switching books.

Meanwhile Dean was watching TV, not that much was on, but he felt after all the craziness they needed a moment to breathe. Though his mind was not on the show he was watching. Absently he reached up to grasp his long thrown away amulet.

He sighed shakily. He so needed to apologize for that to Sam, but to bring it up again? What if Sam had forgotten about? He didn't want to cause his brother any more pain than he had......and then there were the words he said back in the panic room.

He groaned and slid down the couch. The guilt would not go away. He kept feeling the empty spot trying to make the amulet still be there.

Trying to find that final missing piece of himself.

His mind wandered to Sam's eariler behavior as his hand kept repeating the action on his chest. He should have taken Sam straight to the hospital several days ago and conjure up some story about an accident and let him get checked out. But surprisingly Sam recovered and Dean didn't really think about it.

How could he have not thought about it!?

He should have take every precaution to make sure that Sam was alright after what Zachariah did!

It should have been the first thing he did!

Dean sat up and tried to pay attention to the moving pictures on screen. It wasn't working.

He leaned forward placed his forehead in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees. How could have been so stupid!

He really wished he had that third foot.

More like he really wished that Sam would just hall off and hit him.

Just like Cas did.

He would feel better anyway.

But it wasn't about him, was it?

It was about Sam and what he had gone through these past weeks. He wondered what Sam felt like to know his brother was off the deep end? That every time he tried to help, Dean would throw it back in his face. But Sam didn't waver, he just perserved on. How could he have remained as strong as he did? Dean wasn't sure he would have been able to be that strong.

Dean shot out of his seat and all but ran into the den. Sam looked up from the books a little surprise to see Dean all of a sudden occupying the doorway.

"Something wrong?" Sam asked a little worried. Dean lowered his glaze which looked wild down to the ground as he placed his hands in his pocket.

"Nothing on TV….want some company?" Dean asked.

Sam said nothing for a moment, looking at his brother. Why was he acting shy and uncertain all of a sudden? "You left the TV running. I can hear it going faintly", Sam said.

"You have good hearing", Dean said with a small smirk.

"No, you can watch TV like you listen to music, loud and banging almost", Sam smiled.

"Ahh, well, I'll go back and turn it off later."

Tension filled the room.

Dean looked uncomfortable and poor Sam was confused.

"Did you……want something………..or…………" Sam trailed off trying to break the uncomfortable silence that was lingering.

"Huh?" Dean looked up then realized what the question was and lowered his glaze, "Um, no, I just….thought you might…….need some help."

Sam chuckled once ignoring the dull ache in his chest. The Tylenol seemed to have help quite a bit. "Not unless you want to. If you need something to do, I got something you can do."

"What is it?"

Did Dean seem eager to do something for Sam? Sam studied his brother. He was acting like a child who got into trouble and now was trying to fix it by whatever means necessary. This was giving Sam a bit of a headache actually. He was having a problem keeping up with his brother's mood swings especially since his own chest and back felt like causing problems. He shifted absently in his seat.

"You can wash the dishes. I think they have soaked enough", Sam said.

Dean nodded and walked into the kitchen to get started. Sam near fell off his seat. Since when did Dean do the dishes for one, for two when did he do the dishes without a quip and three when did he do the dishes without a quip and actually seem eager to do it?

Sam rubbed his head once. Yeah, he would need more Tylenol later. Sam just watched Dean do the dishes silently. He stared at the back of Dean.

"Uh, Dean?"

"Yeah?" Dean didn't miss a beat in his dish washing.

"You alright in there?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You are washing dishes, you realize that right?"

"Yeah."

Sam gaped at Dean though he could not see it. It was a moment before he said anything else.

"Dean?"

"Sam?"

"Why are you washing dishes?"

Dean looked over his shoulder, "Cause you asked me to?" he said with a question in his voice, as if it was that obvious before going back to his chore.

"Are you sure you okay?" Sam asked uncertainly.

"Yep. Just peachy."

Sam nodded to himself.

Something was seriously wrong.

Silence reigned after that. Sam was occupied in watching Dean washing dishes while Dean was occupied in watching said dishes. Finally Dean finished, drained the sink and cleaned the counters before turning back around stuffing his damp hands into his pockets.

"Anything else?" he asked.

Sam was still looking at him agape. He closed his mouth and opened…..then closed then finally making a coherent thought, opened his mouth again.

"Who are you and what have you done with my brother?"

Dean looked up surprised at this question. "Nothing….", he answered.

"Okay, Dean, seriously, what is the problem? You've been acting strange for the past day and a half. What's wrong? Tell me."

"Sam", Dean groaned.

"Tell me……please?"

Dean made that mistake of looking up at Sam to see him giving him those doe eyes. However did the guy master it? And even now it never failed him.

"Dean, please man? I know something is bothering you. I know we are just starting to get back on the correct path but……" Sam trailed off and broke his brother's glaze.

Silence and then....

"I'm sorry."

Dean jerked violently at that. "What?" he asked.

Sam looked back at Dean with a small sad smile, "I'm sorry."

**TBC.... **

* * *

A.N: Just like Sam, on one conversation and then all of a sudden we switch gears. Wonder what he's sorry about?

lol Most of this story, sorta wrote itself out. I had the basic idea in mind but the rest came as I was writing.


	6. Apologies All Around

Disclaimer: I don't own Dean, Sam or Bobby. That honor belongs to Eric Kripke. Though he is generous to allow us fans to play with his sandbox, and for that I thank him.

A.N: So we left with Sam saying I'm sorry...... Major talk ahead...as you probably guessed.

Summary: Takes an AU approach to the events after 5x18 Point of No Return. After returning to Bobby's Dean realizes a piece of himself will forever be missing…..or will it? MajorGuiltyDean and some LimpSam

* * *

Chapter 5: Apologies all around

It took Dean a good minute to process Sam's words as well as his small sad smile. Finally words returned to him.

"Wait, what are you sorry about?" he asked as he stood looking confused at Sam.

Sam didn't say anything as he lowered his glaze and slowly picked a book and tried to bury his head in it.

"Uh-huh, Sam, you don't get to do that." Dean said pulling a chair to sit in front of the Sam, the desk being the only thing between them, "What are you sorry about?" he asked again.

Sam shook his head, "I shouldn't have said that. Don't worry about it."

"Sam", Dean's voice held a warning as he leaned on the desk, his glaze fixed on his younger brother. He was two seconds away from ripping that book away from Sam.

It was that unflinching stare that Sam felt that made him sigh a moment later lowering the book slightly. "I……um…..uh…..I'm just sorry about…..everything, you know?"

"No I don't know. What are you talking about?" Dean pressed.

Sam glanced up at Dean's face before looking back down, not seeing the words on the open page. "I'm sorry that I cause you to lose faith."

Those words slapped Dean in the face.

"Sam….."

"No, Dean, just leave it alone. All that matters is you are back now. I'll just have to try harder is all. I just wanted you to know that I was sorry, since you apologize to me and all." Sam said pulling the book back up, trying to cover his face.

"Sam if you try any harder you'll pop. Besides you didn't do anything wrong." Even though there was humor in the statement Dean didn't laugh or smile. His eyes held seriousness in them.

"I've done enough. Anyway, I do what I need to do", Sam said simply.

At this Dean reached over and tugged the book forcefully away from Sam.

"Hey, be careful with that", Sam cried as Dean tossed the book on the desk.

"This is more important at the moment. What do you mean, you do what you need to do?" Dean asked.

Sam sighed and went to stand up. Dean matched him standing up as well. He stood in front of Sam blocking his way. "Sam, sit down, we aren't finished. I asked a question."

"Dean…." Sam tried pleading with his brother while avoiding his eyes.

"I will knock it out of you if I have to", Dean warned.

Sam looked at his brother a moment before flopping back down in his seat. He shifted once as he felt his back cramp up slightly. Definitely was gonna need more Tylenol. He looked at a nearby clock. Three more hours and then he could take some more. Dean was almost out of patience. Sam looked back at Dean who was slowly sitting back in his seat.

"We gonna dance this tango all day and half the night?" Dean asked.

"I shouldn't have said anything."

"I'll be the judge of that."

Sam looked away. Guess there was no way out of this. "Like I said, I will just have to try harder."

"To do what?"

"……."

Dean growled.

"To give you reasons to believe in me" Sam said quickly.

Dean thought he would be sick.

_I don't believe…_

_In what? _

_In you? _

"Sam…..what I said…….."

"No, it's true. Every word you spoke", Sam said, "I have a lot to prove and to make up for. It's okay. It's just what I have to do."

"Sam…"

"Dean…."

"Shut up, Sam."

Sam shutted up. Dean sighed and sat back in his seat, glazing at Sam. How long had Sam had to bury everything he felt for the past several weeks?

Wait make that near a year or perhaps a little more than that.

With them separating, and then getting back together, then Dean falling apart and now was back together, not to mention the apocalypse and finding out that he was Lucifer's ultimate vessel........then Dean was Michael's and ........the list could go on.

Dean was getting a headache just thinking about it, but one question still echoed within his mind:

How long did Sam have to crawl by himself in the dark?

The questions kept coming, making Dean sicker and sicker.

How long did he have to run blindly with no one to turn to?

How did he survive all this and still sit there thinking everything is his fault?

How long did Sam have to crawl by himself in the dark?

"Dean, put it out of your mind. There are bigger things to worry about", Sam said reaching for a book.

"That's your problem."

Sam paused. "Pardon?"

"You never think that you deserve to have some time to stand still and……..do what you need to do to take care of yourself. To allow others to do help you to take care of yourself."

Sam didn't even have a response to that.

"And…..everything I said was wrong."

"No Dean, it was the truth." Sam got his book and reopened it.

"Sam, put the book down", Dean voice was weary and soft and Sam didn't have the heart not to obey his request. So he laid the book down and toyed with the end of it.

"It was like what I said to Bobby. I shouldn't have said those words."

"You were lost Dean."

"That doesn't make it right."

"…….."

"And then I went back on what I have been saying for years."

"What? Pay-per-view is worth every penny?" Sam's mouth twitched and even Dean had to give a smirk at that.

"It has its perks but no….." he sobered.

"What then?"

"I went back on the promise I made to you that I would help you. That I would never kill you nor would I let you succumb to evil."

"That wasn't really a promise Dean….just something you believed at the time."

"Same thing in my book. I may as well have made you a solemn promise."

Sam smiled sadly. "Things change, Dean."

Dean sat up and waited until Sam met his glaze. After he did so, he said, "Not this. There are some things that should never change. Ever. I mean, I looked at you in the face and told you that I had to prepare because I knew Lucifer would wear you to the prom. That was unforgivable."

"Dean…..I told you I don't have a problem with it."

"Your look and actions said otherwise."

Sam looked away. "After I thought about it….I realized you were right. Maybe Lucifer will get me, but I won't let him without a fight."

"No Sam, Lucifer is not getting his hands on you….period. Is that clear?"

Sam didn't say anything.

"Sam….." Dean swallowed, "Sam….I'm sorry."

"We went through this Dean", Sam said glancing at him with a small smile.

"There is more. What I said, everything I said, I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have given up on you like that. I shouldn't have given up myself like that. I shouldn't have given up our cause. I mean I completely destroyed what we stood for. Whatever happened to Team Free Will? I lost sight of that and I shouldn't have. " Dean stopped and had to look away briefly. He had to say it, to acknowledge it. "And I shouldn't have destroyed what you gave me."

Sam looked up confused. Dean simply reached up to grasp what had long since been gone.

Something he would never be able to replace.

Sam realized what it signified and gave a shaky breath as he looked away, his hair covering his face. "Dean, it's okay…."

"How the heck do you think it's okay?" Dean asked.

Sam shrugged. "Cas said it was worthless. It couldn't find God, so it had no more use."

"God has nothing to do this. I'm talking about us. That amulet was a present you gave me for Christmas all those years ago."

"I remember."

"And I never took it off except to give it Cas, to help him find God. Though I didn't believe in the first place."

"I know."

"And then when I get it back, I just let it go as if it held no meaning to me, to us, and you want to say its okay?"

Sam stood quickly. "Dean, please, I'm begging you. Just. Let. It. Go." He said. His voice wavered though he tried to steady it .

He didn't want to remember. He didn't need to be reminded. He was there. He didn't want to remember Dean's look before he walked to the door and how he purposely made sure that Sam knew what he was doing before he let it drop into the garbage. He had long since forgiven his brother but it didn't make it hurt any less.

He still had occasional nightmares about that moment.

He didn't want to talk about it or address it in anyway.

Dean stood slowly, solemnly. "I don't deserve forgiveness for what I've done, yet still I have to apologize for it."

"Don't….just don't", Sam said, his head still bowed.

He had done a very good job of holding himself together with every wave that came his way, but Dean's heartfelt apology was threatening to sweep him away. He knew that Dean was sorry and as always Sam forgave his brother but that would not erase the pain that still resided when he reflected back.

Absently, Sam reached up to rub his chest. His breath caught.

"Sam?"

Why did Dean's voice sound echo-y? Why did he feel like there was a tight band that was going through his middle, from his chest to his back? He shifted, rubbing his chest harder. Why did it feel like that band was tightening?

"Sam?"

Why did it hurt so much? The pain spiked, going higher and higher and Sam found he had trouble breathing. The band was cutting off his air it seemed. He tried to take deep breaths but it hurt too much to breathe that hard.

He wobbled.

And finally his legs gave out as he passed out cold.

**TBC....**

* * *

A.N: Ahhh, poor Sam passed out!! Will he be okay? And just when the brothers started having a serious conversation that was long since overdo!


	7. All That Matters: Part I

Disclaimer:I don't own Dean, Sam or Bobby. That honor belongs to Eric Kripke. Though he is generous to allow us fans to play with his sandbox, and for that I thank him.

A.N: I just want to say that I tried my best with the medical stuff. I was able to find out some basics to help me out with making it semi-realistic, but I'm not much of a medical person.

Also, this story was previously titled: The Missing Piece, but as I started reworking this chapter (and currently reworking the next one) I realized that All That Matters was reoccuring theme and I felt it acompass so much more that The Missing Piece. I'm usually pretty good and picking a title and sticking with it, but I felt this warrants a change. First time I'm actually changing a title like this. And besides I didn't really like the previous title but it was all I had at the moment I picked it.

(And I just realized I had already named this chapter that too. How ironic! lol)

So, without further ado, I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Summary:Takes an AU approach to the events after 5x18 Point of No Return. After returning to Bobby's Dean realizes a piece of himself will forever be missing…..or will it? MajorGuiltyDean and some LimpSam

* * *

Chapter 6: All that Matters: Part I

"Don't.......just don't", Sam said, his head still bowed.

Dean didn't say anything. He allowed the silence to let Sam try to gather himself together. He watched with regretful eyes.

How did it come to this?

Absently he went up to touch the phantom of the amulet. They had to talk about this, both had held too much from the other but he heard Sam's breath catch in his throat, his hand coming up to absently massage his chest.

"Sam?" he asked alarm seeping into his voice as he walked around the desk to Sam's side. He placed a hand on Sam's shoulder. Sam was getting paler.

"Sam?" he called again. He reached into his pocket, his eyes not straying from Sam's pale form, and retrieved his cell-phone. He didn't like the sound of Sam's breathing.

He wobbled and Dean tried to steady him. It didn't work as Sam's legs buckled.

"Sam!" Dean cried as steadied him so he didn't hurt himself, lowering him to the ground. He pulled his hand that still held his cell-phone from Sam long enough to dial 911.

"Sammy, don't do this me." Dean begged as he waited for an operator. Sam was still breathing though it was not normal. Finally he got an operator and quickly he told the woman the situation before hanging up. An ambulance would be there in about eight minutes.

A part of him was still conscious of exactly where Sam had passed out. Quickly he scooped up Sam, which wasn't easy and carried him to the kitchen and laid him on the floor. He closed the door to the den and rushed back to his brother's side.

"Sammy, come on", Dean said, cradling Sam's face.

Sam cracked open his eyes. Dean allowed himself to take a smidge of comfort in that. "Hey, Sam, an ambulance is on its way. Just hang on okay?"

Dean saw Sam's eyes shift to his but didn't say anything as he wheezed through his nose. Suddenly his eyes got big as he couldn't seem to draw the next breath, and his eyes lowered.

"Sammy!" Dean yelled.

* * *

Dean sat in one of the hospital chairs, his leg bouncing up and down though he was not aware of it. He stared at the white doors that separated him from his younger brother.

The ambulance had arrived in time for Sam to stop breathing. They managed to resituate him quite easily and then get him hooked on the proper oxygen that he needed. The whole process gave Dean a heart attack. He panicked when Sam stopped breathing. He was so relieved when they got him back.

But now Sam was back in some room somewhere and Dean did not know what was going on.

.

.

.

And it had been two hours.

All he knew was, at that moment he wanted to resurrect bald and ugly to kill him all over again. He was sure that Zachariah had something to do with it.

He should have ignored Sam's protest and dragged him to the hospital!

He knew he should have!

Yet, he ignored his instincts.

Dean sighed and ran a hand down his face and through his hair. He should call Bobby but the meant leaving his current position and that wasn't something he could or was willing to do.

The blasted white doors (for Dean was sick of staring at the door- 'why white? Why did everything in the hospital have to be white', was his thoughts) opened and a middle aged man came out.

The doctor glanced at his chart. "Family for Sam Washington?"

Dean was up to his feet and near in the doctor's face a split second later. "Sam? How is he?" he asked.

"Please, walk with me", the doctor said kindly as he turned and went back through the doors. Dean followed. They reached his office and the doctor offered Dean a seat. Impatiently Dean sat.

The doctor still stood. "I believe Sam will be fine, but he has a hump to get over."

"What's that?" Dean asked. He felt a bit relieved to know that Sam would be fine.

"Sam has lung inflammation."

"What?"

"You said that he was in an accident of some sort, right? And that he was coughing up blood?"

"Yes."

"Well, there were fumes in his lungs which made him cough up blood and it caused an inflammation. Since it wasn't tended to, the inflammation sat and festered leading to lung failure which was why Sam quit breathing."

The doctor was unaware of the full impact this had on Dean. He should have taken Sam to the hospital sooner!! Then all this could have been avoided.

"Son?"

"Yeah…I'm listening", Dean said shakily.

The doctor pulled up a seat next to Dean. "They were able to revive Sam and after getting the much needed oxygen he was able to breathe easier. He is currently on steroids that should take care of the inflammation. If everything goes according to plan he should be able to leave the hospital in several days with a pill or spray to continue taking for the inflammation until it's completely cured. We are lucky this did not turn out to be a heart problem."

"This coulda been a heart problem?" Dean asked thickly.

The doctor nodded solemnly. "Yes, it was possible that the fumes could have latched onto his heart and done damage, but thankfully that is not the case."

That thought shook Dean to his core. He took a breath.

"Yeah, thankfully", Dean breathed, "Can I see him?"

The doctor smiled, "You should be able to. They moved him from the emergency unit to upstairs, or at least they should have by now."

* * *

Dean sat besides Sam's bed. He just stared at Sam who seemed to be sleeping peaceful. After seeing that Sam was indeed settled, with an IV of steroids hooked up to his arm, Dean felt able to take a moment to call and inform Bobby.

Bobby instantly promised to be there sometime tomorrow, but Dean said that it wasn't necessary. If something else came up Dean would let him know. Reluctantly Bobby agreed after making Dean promise to call him with updates.

Dean sighed and looked out to the darken night. He ran a hand through his hair. It had been a long day.

"I'm sorry, Sam", he found himself saying again; "I shouldn't have brought up everything all at once. We established that you were having some pain. I'm sure talking didn't help any. Better yet, I should have dragged you to the hospital and then nothing would have happened. I don't want to think about what would have happened if........." He shut his eyes.

Silence.

Dean reopened his eyes and fixed his stare on his younger sibling. "You gotta get better, man." he said, "……we gotta get better", he paused and leaned forward in his chair, his elbows resting on his knees, his glaze never wavering from the form in the hospital bed, I've screwed up so much these past months, but I've gotta fix it. Do you know what that means?"

Dean paused though he didn't expect an answer before saying quietly, "That means you gotta get better so I can fix it."

He hated the silence in the air.

But to the silence he managed to doze off in a fitful sleep. He awoke the next morning in he uncomfortable chair. Automatically he started wiggling in the chair trying to regain the feeling in his body. He yawned once and blinked, waking up. He sat up from his slouched position and looked to the hospital bed.

He found hazel eyes glazing at him, amusement within their depths. It took a moment for Dean to figure out what was going on and for his brain to connect and get to working again.

"Sam!" Dean cried.

"You alright?" Sam asked with a small smile.

"I should be asking you that. You passed out and had to be brought to the hospital in an ambulance, dude."

Sam ahhed before he turned away and looked up at the ceiling.

"Sam?" Dean asked worriedly, leaning forward in his seat, "What's wrong? Should I call the doctor? I should probably call the doctor anyway since you are awake."

Dean stood up and pressed the call button. Sam didn't say anything and frankly, Dean was starting to worry. The doctor didn't take long to come in. It was a different doctor than the one Dean saw the other day. This was a lady with red hair and green eyes.

"Ahh, you are finally awake", she said kindly.

Sam gave her a small smile. "Yeah, I'm awake. So when can I get out of here?"

Dean near stumbled on his feet. He hissed. "You just woke up and you want to know when you can get out?"

"Uh, yea?"

It just wouldn't do to strangle his brother who was hospitalize at the moment would it? On the other hand if he did strangle him help is well within reach.

"Let just see how the day goes. I'd want to keep you for a couple of days to see how your progress. Lung inflammation is not something to play with." the doctor stated.

"But I'm good now. I know you can give me some pill or something and I can be on my way", Sam argued.

"Not on my watch!", Dean growled. Sam glared at him.

"The IV is doing it's job. I shall return to see how things are doing. It's a waiting game for the moment", the doctor said with a small smile before all but darting out. Dean gave her a small smile.

There was silence until she left. Then Dean spun around to face his brother.

"What the heck are you thinking, Sam?" he near yelled.

"Ahh, come on Dean! We have more things to worry about. I'm not about to lay up in a hospital bed with the end of the world playing out before our eyes."

"Do you not realize the seriousness of this? It could have been your heart man! You could have very well had a heart attack and been in worse shape then you are now. You might now have been awake now to talk about getting out", Dean ranted.

All the while Sam just stared ahead not saying anything.

"You don't have anything to say?" Dean asked angry.

A moment passed and then.... "It wasn't like I could die, Dean. Lucifer has made sure of that." Sam stated softly.

"Sam….."

"What?"

"That is beside the point."

"So what is the point?"

Dean just stared at Sam agape. How could he not see what the point was? Sam looked back up at Dean.

"What?" he asked.

"What do you mean 'what'?" Dean said his voice ragged. Sam blinked and Dean found he had to sit down, so he flopped back down in his seat. Sam looked worried and confused. Dean ran a hand through his hair and studied Sam.

Finally he asked, "Sam….did you think I didn't………worry or….care what was happening to you? Do you think I want to see you go through this, even if you can't die or I for that matter?"

".............Dean." Sam groaned looking away from Dean, not able to hold his glaze any longer.

That pause was a moment too longer in Dean's book.

"Sammy......"

Sam looked shock to hear that old nickname. He swung a wide eyed glaze towards Dean, his mouth open slightly. He hadn't heard it for months. Dean winced at the obvious suprise on his younger brother's face. It only served to remind him just how rocky things have been for a long long time.

Actually, rocky is an understatement.

Sam finally got over his shock and closed his mouth. He turned away from Dean to stare at the white walls in front of his view.

"I know I've done so many thing......and that I've said so many things but I should hope that you know that........I still care", Dean said, stumbling over his thoughts.

"It matters little me what you have done or said Dean, I still care", Sam purposely avoided directly dealing with Dean's statement in it's entirety.

Dean just stared at Sam before he stood quickly and began to pace in front of Sam's bed. Sam watched him go back and forth.

Back and forth...

Back and forth....

Back and.....

Finally Dean stopped and looked back at Sam who was watching him through hooded eyes. "But you don't think you deserve to be cared about after all you've might have said or done, is that it?"

"........."

"I'm right, aren't I?"

"........."

"Say something, man!" Dean begged. He was getting tired of silences.

Real tired.

"What do you want me to say?" Sam finally asked. He really didn't know what Dean was looking for from him.

"Anything!!! Everything! Don't you want to rip me a new one? Don't you want to beat me up after everything the past several weeks? Wouldn't that make you feel better?" Dean cried growing frustated.

"I don't think beating my brother would make me feel better, Dean", Sam said wryly.

Dean swallowed and moved to reclaimed his chair. Absently he reached up to touch the pendant. Remembering it wasn't there anymore he lowered his hand. Sam saw all this and turned away quickly.

"See, that is what I'm talking about", came Dean's voice after a few moments.

"What?"

"It hurts you and still you don't say or do anything about it."

"You have enough on your plate Dean."

"Is that why you didn't say anything about your chest pains? Now that I think about it, excatly how long have you had it?"

"........."

"Sam......" he stood and leaning on the bed, glaring down at his brother, "I'm not playing", he warned.

Sam's eyes darted to Dean before he sighed. Huh, he could sigh without pain. It's been awhile since he could. "Since we arrived back at Bobby's, though I think a dull ache might have started the day before we arrived back at Bobby's."

"So for two days at least and a warning before that", Dean stated calmly....a little too calm before he exclaimed, ".....and I just found out yesterday morning?!" He pushed off the bed and resumed his pacing, more furious then a moments eariler.

"Yeah, but I just thought it was cause we had to sleep in the car for near 2 days straight."

"Oh, and what Zacky did you and the possible consquences, didn't cross your mind?"

"........."

Dean growled loudly. "Seriously?"

"Well.........." Sam trailed off.

"Well what?" Dean seethed out, his eyes burning holds in his sibling.

"........."

Dean deflated quickly and with a heavy sigh he flopped back down in his seat. He held his head for a moment before he looked up and asked, "Why didn't you tell me?" His voice was soft.

Sam heard the slight pain within his brother's voice. He didn't want to cause his brother any more pain that he has already in his life. Yet, he didn't have a suitable answer. "Cause you have...."

".......enough on my plate?" Dean finished.

"Dean after all you've been through, I'm not going to compound the problem." Sam sighed. Why wouldn't Dean get it through his head.

"Besides the apocalypse hanging over us, what problem is there?"

Sam gave a wry smile, "I think the apocalypse is a big problem, Dean."

"So you say, but that doesn't mean you can't have a problem that needs resolving." Dean snapped then calmed himself. He took a breath before continuing, "Were you ever going to tell me what was on your mind? You tried to wave off my apology even several days ago. Were you not hurt or angry? Don't you have anything to say about the past while?"

"........."

"I'm getting real tired with the lack of responses, Sam. I'm not going through this again."

"........."

"It's not funny."

"I'm not trying to be."

"We are trying to have a serious conversation."

Finally something in Sam snapped. He had it with his brother trying to force something out of him. What did he want from him? What did everyone expect from him? He swung a darken glaze towards Dean, hazel eyes heating.

"Dean, cut it out, okay!!" he cried.

Dean's eyes widen in shock as Sam continued ranting.

'I'm fine! I'm not going to continue being a burden okay?"

"Sam, you are not a burden!" Dean cried appauled to hear his sibling say such things.

"Yes, I am, I see that now, but I can remedy that! Like I've said before, I can pull my own weight. All that has happened does not matter. Stop trying to get an response out of me, when I have none to offer. And even if I did, what difference does it make? Not a dang bit of difference!!"

"Sam....."

"Shut up, Dean! It doesn't matter, do you hear me?! It doesn't matter!", Sam cried vehemently. "All that matters is that you are back!"

Dean's eyebrows shot up at this. Was that the only thing that mattered? Surely Sam had to see that things about himself matter. He opened his mouth to say something.

"I said, shut up Dean!" Sam cried before Dean could even utter a sound. Quickly Dean closed his mouth as Sam continued, the fire in his eyes not gone, "Everything else isn't a problem anymore, past or present. And I don't want to revisit the past couple of months, if I can help it, but I probably will, but it will be in my own head now. I'm not gonna whine about it, because I'm not gonna let you slip back to where you were. I'll make sure that I give you wide berth and less problems to deal with so it doesn't crush you."

Dean's head was reeling. Did this moron think that he's the reason why Dean took a nose dive?

Sam continued but he was slowing down, "I should have been doing that sooner when I was younger, but I didn't and that will be one of the many regrets of my life. But I will try harder. But regardless, my feeling don't amount to jack; in the end the end it... doesn't.... matter......"

Sam panted after his outburst, as his voice broke. "Your back and that is all that matters." he wheezed out slightly.

His turned and laid back down. His eyes were unexpectedly glossy so he shut them tight. He would not fall apart. "You're back and that is all that matters. All that matters….." he repeated his voice getting softer.

Dean only stared up at his brother with a sad countenance. Guilt rose up sharply. In all of this apocalypse business and trying to find answers, Dean never once took the time to make sure that Sam was doing okay. That he was holding his own.

And then when he went off the deep end, it was Sam that had to hold everything together.

It became Sam vs. the world instead of the two of them vs. the world.

It may matter greatly that Dean was back.......but that wasn't all that mattered.

And Dean was determined he would make his brother see that.

**TBC....**

* * *

A.N: This chapter turned out longer than expected. I was rereading and reediting and seems the Winchesters had much more to say. =D And currently re-editing the next chapter, and that too shall be longer.......much longer.....lol

A teaser, since I couldn't resist and dunno if I'll put the next chapter up by the end of the day:

_"I'm tired." _

_"I'm.......just.......tired." _

That probably didn't help anyone did it?


	8. All That Matters: Part II

Disclaimer:I don't own Dean, Sam or Bobby. That honor belongs to Eric Kripke. Though he is generous to allow us fans to play with his sandbox, and for that I thank him.

A.N:This chapter was lengthened because of the other chapter. =D Yay, more conversation the boys desperately need.

I can't stress the word 'desperately' enough. -__-'

Let Part II...commence!

Summary:Takes an AU approach to the events after 5x18 Point of No Return. After returning to Bobby's Dean realizes a piece of himself will forever be missing…..or will it? MajorGuiltyDean and some LimpSam

* * *

Chapter 7: All that Matters: Part II

After Sam's outburst, silence reigned. The two were lost in their respective thoughts. Dean didn't bring up their conversation anymore, knowing that Sam needed to rest. And he needed the time to think about all Sam had said and to figure out the next move he needed to make to fix things. Things passed rather uneventfully after that. Bobby called again in the middle of the afternoon, getting on Dean's case about not calling him. Between their conversation and the thinking that proceeded it Dean had forgotten. Sam talked to Bobby and reassured him he was well, and not to come home on his account.

So the next day against the doctor's wishes, Sam signed out AMA that afternoon. The doctor wanted him to stay for another couple of days, but Sam was ready to bounce. Dean tried to talk him out of it, but Sam refused to lie on a sick bed during this time. It was doing good that Dean compromise and got Sam to stay until that late afternoon. Until after the test returned anyway to make sure things were on the mend. Since they were, Dean let Sam sign out. Thankfully, though pills were given to Sam as well as a warning to take it easy and to come back at the first sign of trouble.

Dean was going to have no problem making sure that Sam obeyed......even if it landed him in the hospital again.

He would not play around this time. He would physically knock Sam out if he had to.

And he'd do it to.

Once back home, Sam headed for the den.

"Whoa, where are you going?" Dean asked, shutting the door behind them.

"Uh, the books?" Sam stated.

"Uh, I think not?" Dean imitated Sam's speech.

Sam glared at him as Dean steered him to the to the couch in the living room.

"Dean…" Sam whined.

"Don't 'Dean me', you are to relax and not overwork yourself. We aren't doing anything stressful until your lungs are as healthy as a newborn's".

"That might be a bit optimistic."

"Whatever, you get my point."

"Dean, we cannot just sit around……"

"Sam!"

Sam quieted down at Dean's snapping voice. Dean sighed. "For me, just.....please......take it easy", he sighed.

Sam studied his brother for a moment before slowly nodding and laying down on the couch, which was a little small for him, but he managed.

"Alright", he agreed. He'd do this for Dean if it made him feel better.

"Thanks", Dean gave a small grin, happy to get Sam to do what he wanted at the moment.

* * *

Sam found that he dozed off most of the day. He was tireder then he thought himself to be. Meanwhile Dean took up Sam's place to research, so that Sam would feel better and know that the illusion of something productive was happening while he was out.

Dean knew that none of this researching was making any headway.

But he wouldn't give up…

He just figured that the answer was out there.......and not in any of these books.

Question is where?

And then he still needed to talk to Sam about his outburst back in the hospital.

No way he was letting that go.

Dean sighed and tossed the book back on the pile. He slid down his as his hand absently toyed with the top of his shirt.

He sighed frustrated and stopped, folding his arms. He lost count of how many times he has done that in these last days. He really needed to stop doing that. Dean didn't want to accidently do that in front of Sam again and have Sam flashback to that horrible day. It was enough, he was flash-backing to that day every other minute.

Dean caught the bookcase in the corner of his eye. Would banging his head help any? On second thought, he had been knocked upside the head too many times this past week. That wouldn't have pleasant results. They had enough hospital trips for the time being.

Still, he figured he would always lament over what had been lost.

That would always be so, he feared.

No wait, not lost, thrown away.

It was only fair he was honest with himself.

His fingers disobeyed his head once more at that thought. If anything he should have stuffed it in the bottom of his duffle bag not just tossed it in the garbage.

"You keep doing that, someone will think you have throat problems or you are mute."

Dean's head shot up as his hand snatched away from the empty space, to see his brother standing in the door way.

"Hey, you should be lying down!" he cried.

Sam nodded, "Yeah, well, I got tired of laying down in silence." He said as he walked over and took the seat in front of the desk, "Besides, we should talk." He toyed with the end of his shirt slightly nervous.

Dean was happy that Sam felt up to talk and that he was the one that offered but still: "Sam, the doctor......"

"I'm sure he didn't mean that I couldn't carry a conversation, Dean", Sam cut him off, glancing up with a smile briefly.

Dean nodded slowly after a moment but didn't say anything further. Now that this conversation could be had, he found he didn't know what to say.

Or was it where to start.

Sam brought his hand up to his mouth in his thinking fashion his look faraway as he tried to gather his thoughts. Finally he took a breath and sat forward in his seat as he lowered his hand, his eyes focusing on Dean who was looking at the desk before him, not in anything particular though. "You need to stop beating yourself up."

"Like you beat yourself up?" Dean asked looking up at Sam.

Sam sighed. "That is different."

"How so?"

"It just is."

"This is not third grade. That won't fly here."

Sam rolled his eyes. "I told you, I got this."

"You got what, huh? What do you got?" Dean's eyes flashed.

"Dean...."

"Uh-uh, you wanted to talk, now talk!"

Sam ran a hand through his hair. "What do you want me to say?" he asked.

"Why is it, the only think that matters is I'm back? I mean, that's a matter to be mattered to you........and me......." Dean trailed off and paused at his words and even Sam had to chuckle once before sobering and Dean continuing getting his train of thought back, "but you cannot believe that is the only thing that matters."

"Yes, it is."

"No. It. Isn't. What you have felt and had to endure matters as well. You've got to know that."

"Dean...."Sam groaned.

"Shut up and let me finish you moron!" Dean snapped and Sam hushed as the former continued his voice calmer, "After everything that has happen, your feelings about it matter as well. It occured to me yesterday, after everything the past several months, from the apocalypse starting, to our seperation and getting back together and then I go dive into the ocean, I never once stopped and actually considered what kind of crap you were going through and how you were handling it." Dean paused and then asked, "So I'm doing so now, how _**are**_ you handling it?"

Sam looked suprised.

_How's he's doing? _

_Sam didn't answer. What could he say? _

_How **are **you doing?_

He had been shocked when Bobby asked him that question and he was shocked now. He lowered his glaze, his hair falling over to shield his glaze.

"Sam?" Dean asked.

Sam let out a small chuckle, "Bobby asked something similar."

"And what did you say?"

"What could I say? I was suprised he asked", Sam shrugged.

"Are you suprised when people inquire about your well-being?" Dean asked incredulous.

Oh boy, he had more to fix then he thought.

"Now-a-days, yeah", Sam answered honestly.

"Sam.......look at me." Dean requested and waited that few seconds for Sam to do so. Dean took the time to study Sam.

It was silence for so long that finally Sam retorted, "I'm not a Picasso painting, Dean."

"Picasso sucks."

"You know who the guy is?" Sam asked a little suprised.

"Sam, I'm not as dumb as you think I am. Everyone knows who he is. Anyway, you are avoiding the conversation", Dean said with a small smile before he sobered, "I want you to tell me when something is bothering you. Of all times, this is the time not to hide things from each other. I realize that now. With Michael and Lucifer vying for our behinds we need to make sure that we stick together and the only way to do that is to make sure we both know where the other is at, you follow me?"

"........."

Dean sighed. "Sam, I swear........"

"I got it, okay", Sam snapped.

"Don't you don't get it! I'm sorry about everything......"

"Quit saying that! We've been though this before. I don't want to talk about it!" Sam banged his fist on the desk.

"It's amazing! Years ago you were the one in my seat trying to talk and now you don't want to talk", Dean snorted.

"Things change Dean."

"Then we should make an effort to make sure some things don't!"

The Winchesters each gave the other their trademark glare. Since they were both said Winchesters they were esstentially stalemating each other.

Finally Sam sighed, lowering his glaze and sat back in his chair, "You don't understand, Dean."

Dean sat back in his own chair, "Then make me understand."

There was silence as Dean stared at Sam while Sam stared down at his lap.

Finally, Sam opened his mouth, "It doesn't matter...."

"Sam....." Dean warned.

"Wait, let me finish", Sam pleaded looking up at Dean. Seeing that his brother would cooperate he continued lowering his glaze once again, "It....I just........I know I've done things, things I can't take back, but I owe it to try." A pause. "After all I have done, I don't deserve to have anyone look after my well-being, least of all you", Sam looked up at this, "Let me finish, Dean please...." Sam saw that Dean had opened his mouth ready to say something.

Dean closed it relucantly and allowed Sam to continue, "When you.....as you so fondly say, dove off into the ocean, I knew I had to be strong....not just for you but for me too.... and Bobby.....and Cas......and the world. And that was part of my penace for what I have done, and I accept that. So when you came back, I gladly gave you the lead spot in some regard, it's just........" He paused and looked away.

"Just?" Dean prompted.

"Just.....that........."Sam sighed.

"Sam, please, man", Dean said leaning forward in the chair his arms on the desk. He looked at Sam pleadingly.

"Honestly.......I can answer both your and Bobby's question in 2 words", Sam said looking back at Dean.

Dean felt his heart squeeze. The way Sam was looking at him, his eyes, everything within him told him he would not like the answer. Not it was anything but good. Yet, he had to know. He could not fix what he did not know.

"What is it?" he asked a little short of breath. He was sure apprehension flooded his eyes.

Sam just smiled sadly, as his eyes began to dart around, and shrugged, "I'm tired."

Unexpectedly, his eyes got misty. "I'm just............tired."

Dean closed his eyes and sucked in a breath. He should have seen it coming.

He had been there.

"I didn't want you to know.....cause....you have so much to deal with right now." Sam said his voice cracking slightly. He breathed through it. He would not fall apart. He wouldn't.

"No....Sam", Dean said his own voice laced with emotion, as he opened his eyes, "No.....we have much to deal with. You and I....as a team."

Sam looked away from this brother.

"Sam....you and me, you know that right", Dean asked.

"..........yeah."

Silence a moment too long for Dean's comfort. "Sam?"

Said male turned his weary face he couldn't seem to hide anymore in response. Dean search Sam's eyes. "I know I didn't help you these past months but now that I know better, now that I'm back for good, I'm going to make sure you are well. We can't have Lucifier knocking on our door with you like this. It doesn't bode well."

"I wouldn't say yes, Dean", Sam countered softly.

"Sam.....who the heck are we fooling? I said yes, I got out of it, but I still said yes. I've been there. I know what it's like. You may talk the talk but if it came down to it.....and you are this tired, you may not mean to, but trust me....the chances are not in your favor. I don't say that to hurt you....I'm saying that I understand what it's like. And you are stronger than me, you have lasted through so much and still have came this far. I couldn't even go half that."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is. It is true, I just basically up one day and checked out."

"You were on a slow decline, I suspect."

"You are on a slow decline too. You just take longer than I but sooner or later you'll crash. I did. That is what I'm saying. There was that something that made me snap and I believe it was after we faced Famnine. I don't know what it would take for you to snap, but I'd rather that be something I don't find out."

Then Dean got a faraway look in his eyes, "If I had been in your shoes........." he trailed off his throat constricting.

Sam looked at him expectantly. "Yes?"

Dean refocused his glaze to Sam. "If I had been in your shoes........and you had thrown away what held great meaning to us.........that would have for sure made me snap."

Sam sucked in a breath and looked away. Dean didn't want to have this part of the conversation but he needed to. They had to acknowledge it before they could move beyond it, "And the fact that you didn't snap right then and there, was testiment to your strength."

"Dean, please man, I am begging you....stop beating yourself up about it. What's done is done!" Sam pleaded pain filling his eyes.

That same pain filled green eyes, "I can't. And honestly, I don't want to. I won't. Of my many regrets that is first on the list", Dean said his voice catching.

"You were in a bad place. And after…..what you saw of my……heaven and then finding out that God wasn't gonna help us, I'm not surprise that you let it go. As Cas said, it was worthless at that point." Sam tried to justify for Dean. He didn't want to see his brother keep kicking himself over this. It wasn't worth that.

All that matters is that Dean was back, larger than life, and it was enough for Sam.

But that traitorous voice resounded from Sam's soul:

_Was it truly?_

"But it did hurt you", Dean remarked quietly, his eyes holding some pain within them.

Sam opened his mouth but he couldn't say anything to reassure Dean on that fact, so he closed his mouth and lowered his glaze.

But Dean knew his silence spoke his answer.

He had been hurt. It still hurt to think about it. He could not lie about that.....not even to make his brother feel better.

And that was one lie he wished he could utter.

"Cas, was wrong", Dean said after a moment had passed, "It might be worthless to find God but not to us. I should have remembered that it wasn't just a God EMF."

"Dean, again you were in a bad place." Sam murmured.

Still after all this..........

"Stop trying to defend me, Sam!" Dean cried standing up, pressing his palms into the desk, his head bowed. Sam's head snapped back up as he looked up at Dean wide-eyed at his outburst, "What I did was unforgivable. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could go back in time and if nothing else just stuff it in my duffle bag. At least I would still have it. I wish I could take back everything I said to you. To think I gave up on you, on us, on everything is not forgivable in my book."

"I didn't exactly give you reasons to see that it wasn't just a God EMF. I'm not sure why those memories in heaven where my greatest hits and I never meant to hurt you with them. "

"I know that now. I couldn't see that before. I'm not entirely convinced that bald and ugly didn't manipulate our memories there."

"Alright then, so it wasn't your fault, you just admitted that in a roundabout way." Sam persisted.

Dean growled. Would this moron get it? Why didn't he get it? What the heck would it take for him to get it through that thick skull of his?!

"Stop saying that!!" he cried looking up with a glare. "Stop trying to defend me!"

"Dean", Sam tried placating his brother. He didn't understand why Dean didn't just forgive himself and move on.

"No Sam......", Dean cut him off. "I don't care what excuse you want to come up with to try to get me to ease my guilt. It will never fade for me. Don't you understand? Why can't you get that I don't want to forgive myself for that I did?"

Dean's eyes were glossy as he looked at Sam. He spoke, his voice thick with emotion, almost breaking as he spoke his next words, "And then you want to sit there and be understanding without ever raising a voice or a fist? I do not understand that. I would want to hit something."

"Dean as I said before, that all that matters to me is that you are back. In the final analysis that is what matters."

And Sam blantly ignored that traitorous voice:

_Was is truly? _

"But that is not all that matters to me!"

"What do you mean?"

Dean pushed off the desk and ran his hand through his hair while standing akimbo. "It may be enough for you that I'm back and in this to stay. And I respect that....I do, but for me to know what I've done, unforgivable things.......to you I can't ever forgive myself for that, even if you somehow find it in your heart to do so."

"I do."

Dean glanced up briefly. "But still for me……a piece of myself will always be missing something I cannot replace.....ever. I have lost pieces of myself in hell, but somehow I could get over that given time, or more accurately I could deal with it, but this………I cannot get over this. I won't let myself get over it. It will haunt me to the end of my days. And that is something I must live with and try to fix. But I know now that no matter how much I try to fix it, I can never truly fix it. I can glue the pieces back together but it will never truly be the same. There will still be cracks in it. Cracks that will not fade."

Dean paused a moment and took a breath before continuing, "And I don't want you to try to defend me to make to feel better. I don't want to feel better after what I did. I don't deserve to." Dean glanced up at Sam's solemn face, "What's more, I don't want to."

Sam stared up at his brother. This was hurting Dean now as much as it was hurting him.

Sam sighed and stood up. "If you must hang onto this to make yourself feel better, then fine, but just know, I bear no grudge against you for anything, big brother. I forgive you for what you did. Just know that you have that, whether you accept it or not."

Dean nodded slowly before he captured Sam's eyes with a somber expression, "As long as you know to come to me, from now on. I don't want you to check out on me. It's my job to make sure you are okay and I checked out of that job for awhile, but I'm back now and I want to know. You get too tired and think everything is coming down on you, you let me know. No fooling around about this, okay? Now is not the time."

Sam nodded without hesisation. "Okay, if it makes you feel better, I will."

"It does....it will make me feel better", said Dean.

Sam bobbed his head slowly before he turned away and walked out of the room.

Dean just stood still staring at Sam's empty spot. Unconciously, his hand went up to his chest.

That missing piece was gone.........and now they would both have to live in the aftermath. Dean would try with all his might to make things better, but he knew it could never be the best that it could, but he would try.

That much he knew.

That much he owed to his little brother.

Because there was more at stake.

There was so much more that mattered.

.

.

.

.

.

.

**TBC........**

* * *

A.N: Whoo.....pbfffff *slumps on desk* I'm tired now. This just kept going. The emotion just kept coming out, the Winchesters having lots to say. I actually love this story better now; I'm so glad the brothers spoke up and lengthened their converstation. But then again, I think we can all agree that it's overdo, right? Besides we need some brotherly moments here!

Kripke, you are depriving us you know! This is what happens when you don't feed us properly! We gotta do it ourselves! lol ;p

And we all saw the TBC right? It might sound like the end of this story........but I assure you it's not. The final chapter is next......unless the brothers feel the need to get some more chapters out of me.

Ya never know.............


	9. Wash it Away: That's when All Will Pass

Disclaimer:I don't own Dean, Sam or Bobby. That honor belongs to Eric Kripke. Though he is generous to allow us fans to play with his sandbox, and for that I thank him.

A.N: The song "So Fell Autumn rain" by Lake of Tears is obviously not mine but for some reason I like listening to the song while writing this and for me it really helps the story along. Sorta a deeper message than what's on the surface for the story for me; for me it helps to tell this chapter. But that's just me but I'd suggest listening to the song while reading, it may help. Might be able to feel where I was coming from.

Besides, I sorta wanted a song for this chapter for some reason anyway. One of those chapters that need a song, ya know?

This is the final chapter!! I want to thank everyone who has reviewed and/or faved! I had gotten a lot of story alerts as well and it makes me happy to see that people were interested in this story.

And now, the conclusion.....

Summary:Takes an AU approach to the events after 5x18 Point of No Return. After returning to Bobby's Dean realizes a piece of himself will forever be missing…..or will it? MajorGuiltyDean and some LimpSam

* * *

Chapter 8: Wash it Away; That's when All Will Pass

_**Leaving with twilight though I was chosen**_  
_**To wander the way in the darkest of nights**_  
_**Oh in the summer sun how soon I came to stray**_  
_**A true damnation when I turned away**_

Dean didn't know how long he stood staring before he finally sunk back in his chair, his eyes blurring. He placed his hands on his temples, shielding his eyes from view, leaning on the desk. The talk had taken much out of him.

Yet still he knew the conversation had to happen.

_Clank. _

He still remembered that sound. It would never go away.

**Never. **

_Clank. _

Out of all the stupid things he has done, this was the worse.

No, this was beyond stupid!

It was unforgivable.

_Clank. _

He would never forgive himself for this.

Never.

Silent tears made their way down his face.

_Clank. _

The sound was engraved in his memory.

_Clank. _

He would never truly fix what had been done.

_Clank. _

It was unfixable……

And Dean had to find a way to accept that and go on.

A tear fell from his eye, followed by another and another until he had to lay his head on the desk, his arms blocking the world from view, trying to stifle his tears.

He didn't deserve to be this upset!

He was the one that willing threw it away!

Yet, the more he tried to stifle them, the more they came forth. Pressure built and he found he could not hold back and just cried.

He cried for the past, he cried for the messed-up situation they were handed.

But mostly he cried for his little brother.

He cried for them.

What they used to be.

What he wanted back.

_Clank. _

But he knew they could never go back.....not fully.

Not like it used to be.

Fully caught up in his grief, Dean never heard the ruffle his ears would have normally caught. He never saw a figure move away from the wall, that separated them, to retreat back upstairs. He never saw the tears that fell from the figure's eyes.

All he heard was his own sobs.....and that echoing sound, that threatened to swallow him alive.

_Clank. _

_**So fell autumn rain washed away all my pain**_  
_**I feel brighter somehow lighter somehow to breath once**_  
_**again**_  
_**So fell autumn rain washed my sorrows away**_  
_**With the sunset behind somehow I find the dreams are**_  
_**to stay**_

_**So fell autumn rain**_

* * *

_**Blinded by dawning so you would take me**_  
_**Futher away away from the fall**_  
_**Oh you told me I must never dream again**_  
_**A true damnation you left me the pain**_

Finally evening fell and dinner with the Winchesters were solemn. There was no joking or happiness. Just melancholy for things lost. Both were lost in their own heads. Neither bothered the other, though they could each see a shared sadness in each other. There was no more talk.....frankly they were all talked out. So dinner, proceeded quietly, a slight tension in the air.

Sam was the first to finish his dinner. He sat down his fork and stood up glancing briefly at Dean who was busy playing with his own food with his fork at the moment.

"Don't forget to take your medicine", Dean murmured not looking up at his food.

Sam nodded as he placed the plate in the sink. "I will", he returned quietly, so not to disturb the quiet air that had existed since earlier.

Quickly he took his medicine before retreating upstairs for an early turn in. He did not feel up to dealing with this world anymore that day. He entered the bedroom and leaned on the door. He stared at his feet for awhile before he looked up and looked around.

_Was it truly? _

That question had plagued his mind ever since their talk.

_Was it truly? _

Sam leaned his head back on the door, closing his eyes. He claimed that all that mattered was that Dean was back; he held fast to that belief that everything could be better, that it could be fixed since Dean was back.

That was why he didn't like talking about what happened back at the motel. It was the only way he could stay sane after was Dean did; was to convince himself that 'a mere trinket' did not hold true value.

That is did not matter.

That all that mattered would be getting Dean back to his right mind.

But....

_Was it truly? _

Sam hadn't realized how much, how deeply, this was affecting Dean. Sam had built this bubble around the subject to protect himself but the more that Dean pushed at it, the more a hole began to develop in said bubble. After their talk, his bubble had many holes in it and Sam had been prepared to fix them so it would hold once more.

But when he saw his brother break down over 'a mere trinket' it made his own bubble shattered and the pain that he managed to push away flooded him.

That 'mere trinket' was no longer that. Sam couldn't pretend that it was just a thing to be forgotten.

Tears leaked out of Sam's eyes though he pressed them together harder hoping that they wouldn't fall.

But they did.

Sam slid down the door and pulled his knees to his chest and sobbed.

_Was it truly? _

**____****So fell autumn rain... **

**____****But all when things must pass..  
**

* * *

_**All things must pass....**_

_**All things must pass....**_

Dean continued to play with his food, his only company being the ticking of a near by clock. He stared at his plate unseeing. Time passed but it didn't seem to bother Dean as he just stared. When he came too, he found that he had spent a long time thinking and reflecting. Dean sighed and lifted his head. He stood and figured there was nothing else to do but turn in.

So once again he washed up the dishes and cleaned the kitchen before turn out all the lights, shutting down the place and walking up the stairs with heavy footsteps and an equally heavy heart.

Quietly he opened the door, hoping not to disturb his sibling if he was was already asleep. Upon entering the bedroom he noticed that Sam had his back to the door apparently already fast asleep in his bed. Dean gave a mental sigh before trudging over to his own and sitting down, facing the door. He just stared at the door and wall unseeing. He wanted to break the silence that seemed oppressive to him.

Instead he sucked it up and stuffed it down. He blinked his eyes. He was not going through that again. Once was enough.

He refused to go through it again!

He sniffed and shifted on his bed.

It was then he noticed it.

He blinked.

And blinked again.

He glanced at Sam briefly before blinking........at the newspaper bunched up on his pillow.

Dean twitched. He didn't remember it being there before. In fact, he knew there wasn't a newspaper on his pillow before. He bit back a growl, it seems little things were bothering him now, as he snatched it up.

Only to see a box.

A box.......with newspaper....acting as a wrapper.

Dean looked at the newspaper in his hand that was covering it before looking back at the wrapped item.

Gingerly he picked it up and studied it. He turned it over in his hands a couple of times and glanced over his shoulder at his brother, who have not moved from his spot.

There was no name on it, but it was on his bed so that had to mean that it was for him.

Dean frowned. It wasn't his birthday or Christmas. And there wasn't any way a demon or anything else for that matter could get into this house without their knowledge, not that he'd expect a present from any of them.

Unless it was a bomb or something.

Quickly, Dean brought it up to his ear just to be on the safe side. He satified himself on the fact it wasn't a bomb and lowered the item.

Sooooo...... what was it?

Dean shrugged and slowly he began to open it. A box lay in his hands as he set the wrapper aside. He stared at the box a moment before proceeding to open it slowly.

He nearly dropped the box in surprise, for inside sat something that he had pinned over for days.

He just stared at it before he spun his neck around so fast he was sure he might have gotten whiplash.

He turned to face this brother to find that Sam was now laying on his side looking at him. Dean stared at the younger male. There was a little light coming from the window and Dean saw the tear tracked face of his brother.

"Have you been crying?" Dean asked his voice husky from disuse.

"You like it?" Sam asked softly instead avoiding the question.

Dean stared at his brother a moment before looking back down at the item in the box. "But......but how........it looks exactly like the other one", Dean stuttered as he physically got up take a seat on the other side of the bed, facing Sam entirely, the box still in his hand.

Although this eased something within Dean's heart it would never truly be replaced.

The original could never be replaced.

"That's because it is", Sam said closing his eyes.

It took a moment for Dean to process that. So that meant..... "What?" he croaked out.

Sam shifted his head on his pillow, his eyes not reopening as he said rather evenly, "I retrieved it from the garbage after you left."

"........" Dean looked down at the box where the amulet lay.

"I couldn't let it stay there. I just couldn't do that. So I kept it, out of sight, out of mind, hoping that maybe one day, you'd want it back", Sam explained.

"........"

Sam let out a chuckle at the prolonged silence, "I thought you hated silence."

"........"

Sam opened his eyes to see Dean just staring at him, unblinking almost. He furrowed his eyebrows at this unexpected behavior as he sat up and leaned on his knees. "Hey, Dean, you alright?" he asked.

Dean looked away emotion clogging his voice and eyes. Sam stood and took a seat next to his brother.

"Hey, hey.......come on", Sam said as he took the box and pulled out the amulet out. He tossed the box on his bed and held out the amulet to his brother......

...........Who was not even looking at him at the moment.

"Say something, man", Sam begged lowering his arm after a moment, still cradling the amulet.

"Sure, you want to give that back to me?" Dean asked his voice thick with emotion.

"Dean......." Sam drawled.

"OW!" Dean cried after a moment had passed. He turned to his brother, one hand reaching up to clutch his head, "What the heck, man?"

"I tried to not to hit you, but since it seems getting knocked up the head is all you understand here lately, then I shall forgo not hitting you, and hit you. Besides you've wanted me to hit you upside the head for the past couple days, so don't whine now!" Sam snapped, though there was a lightness in his eyes.

Dean looked at him wide-eyed. It was near comical.

"Now....... take the thing and either put it on or tell me you don't want it and I'll put it up until a day you feel you can wear it. I'd like to go to bed soon, so don't take all night in your decision", Sam said, though Dean saw the humor in his eyes.

Sam held the amulet up expectantly and Dean watched it shine in the night, calling to him. Slowly he reached up his hand and clutched it; Sam released his end allowing it to fall to its rightful owner. Dean opened his hand and took a moment to glaze at it fondly.

"Why.........did you keep it?" Dean asked. He had to know. He hadn't expect Sam to fish it out of the can and keep it.

"I couldn't let you go."

And that answer was good enough for Dean.

They sat in silence for a bit, a rather thoughtful get comfortable silence.

"You had it all this time?" Dean asked finally.

Sam let out a sigh and lowered his glaze. "Yeah, I didn't want to give it to you until I was sure that you really wanted it. When you kept beating yourself up over this, I knew it was time to return it to you. That and......."

Dean looked up at his brother. "And...?" he prompted.

Sam shrugged. "In a way......I was.....fooling myself. I had to fool myself."

"What do you mean?"

"I, uh......" Sam paused and Dean didn't rush him. Finally Sam felt he was able to make a coherent statement, "What you said earlier, about me not snapping when you threw it away. That isn't entirely true."

"........"

Sam knew that silence was a prompt to go on, though he still stared down at the carpet in front of him:

"The only way I could deal with what happened was to pretend that it didn't matter. That if we got you back in your right mind, then that would be the only thing that mattered. But when you kept.......pushing the issue..........that wall, bubble whatever you wish to call it, that I had successful been able to build.....kept breaking......and I didn't want that. I didn't want to go back to that day. Not when........."

Sam's voice broke and cleared his throat, "So that's why I didn't want to talk about it. I had convinced myself that it didn't matter....I had to so that I could keep going with my sanity intact...but finally it broke and.........."

Sam let out a shaky chuckle, "I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't pretend that what happened didn't matter.......that just getting you back was all that mattered; that it would even be enough, you know.......?" Sam breathed shakily and shut his eyes, pressing them together tightly.

It was barely a moment before Sam felt an arm drap over his shoulder and slowly he began to relax, grateful for the contact. He breathed trying to control himself. They just sat in silence as Sam got himself together. Dean only watched with soft eyes, not rushing his sibling only being there for him as he promised he would. Finally when Sam was able to feel more in control he gave a quiet sigh and opened his eyes slightly. He smiled lightly. He was able to push the tears that threaten to fall. He figured by now he would have cried himself dry.

"I do." came the simple delayed reply.

They sat like that for awhile, enjoying what they both had not had for a long time, until finally Dean pulled his arm away. Sam looked up and watched as Dean took the straps of the amulet and placed it over his head. It fit snugly on his chest, happy to be back home.

And Dean felt that missing piece return to him.

He still have mending to do, lots of mending but he felt as if things finally stood a better chance than it did before.

Sam smiled softly, his eyes misting over slightly. He blinked. "Glad to have you back, Dean", Sam said equally soft looking at the amulet that twinkled in the night. He reached out and flipped it, watching it land back on his brother's chest, his way of reassuring himself it was back where it belongs. He looked away, hiding the relief that threatened to spill out of his eyes.

He had never thought this day would come.

Dean smiled softly as he watched his brother, the guilt he was carrying lessening greatly. He would always feel some guilt for everything, but now it was at a tolerable level. He knew now, he would just have to make sure that he took more care this time around.

Dean would never let this amulet go. Dean looked down at the amulet watching it for a moment.

Then he looked back at Sam.

Just as he would never let Sam go.

"Soooo..........., b*****, leave it to you to get dramatic with this gift giving", Dean grinned feeling more himself than he had in a long time, as he reached for the box and held in his hand, "A red box.........how off'ly kind of you." he said in a silly (and not good) British accent.

Sam looked up at Dean, amusement in his eyes though he snorted, "Don't start, you jerk, it was lying around and it was the perfect size. It's not my fault it's red."

"Sam you could have just wrapped the amulet up in newspaper and let that do. You did that the first time."

"Excuse me, for trying to do something nice for you.", he muttered under his breath but loud enough for Dean to hear.

Truthfully, Sam wanted it to be special when he returned it back to Dean. He owed that much. That's why he looked for a box or something suitable to put it in. He didn't want to just hand something that was precious to the both of them back in just a shady piece of newspaper. It bothered him on so many levels. But of course he didn't need to let his brother know that.

But honestly, he suspected that Dean knew.

"Aww, come on, you know you love me!" Dean teased.

"I'm starting to regret this", Sam grumbled good naturally, as he pushed at Dean's shoulder.

Dean pushed back playfully. "Next time you give me a present make sure it's wrapped with a bow. That would really complete the essemble. Open the wrapping and it's wrapped with a bow. A pink bow....would go nicely with this shade of red, Samantha. "

"Are you serious? And it's Sam. What.....are you some kind of expert on gift wrapping now? A bow and pink at that? At this rate, you won't be getting any other presents, ever!" Sam growled standing up and laying back in his bed his back to Dean. He couldn't help the smile that played on his face.

Dean stood with a grin, walking to the bathroom. He paused and turned to chucked the box at the lying figure. It bounced off Sam's temple, making his hand fly up to his head. He lifted his head and glared at Dean's retreating figure.

"Jerk!" he called.

Dean was in the bathroom and he called back, "B****" before closing the door on any other conversation. He heard a clink, as he figured Sam tossed the box at the door and it bounced off. Dean chuckled at this.

He stood in the mirror, after he turned the light on staring at his reflection or more accurantly, a piece of his reflection.

It sparkled in the light. He was sure it was glowing.

He knew it was Sam's gig to hog the mirror, but for that night, he would take that gig with an eagerness that he didn't normally have.

He couldn't help the fond grin as he reached up to grasp what was now there.

And it felt good to know that it was there.

That missing piece........that piece of himself, it had returned.

It was no longer a phantom.

And that in Dean's mind, was all that mattered right now.

_**So fell autumn rain and washed away all my pain**_  
_**I feel bnghter somehow lighter somehow to breath once**_  
_**again**_  
_**So tell autumn rain washed my sorrows away**_  
_**With the sunset behind somehow I find the dreams are**_  
_**to stay**_

_**So fell winter**_

**_--- Lake of Tears - So Fell Autumn Rain _**

**_._**

**_._**

**Fin. **

* * *

A.N: Yay or rather awwww, I finished. I always feel a little sad after finishing stories like these. But on the bright side, look like the boys are back in business! =D

My final words on this:

I personally have no problem with the fact that Dean hasn't gotten the amulet back yet in the show. Wait!! Before you start throwing things, hear me out. I think it would be awesome if at the end of the season (or beginning of next at the latess---like within the first 10 minutes of the premiere) Sam gave Dean back his amulet. I mean we all know he fished it out of the garbage, there can be no other option there. For me personally it would symbolize a whole new beginning of something better. What better way to end the apocalypse then for them to get out of that mess, stand tall and for Sam to give Dean back what is rightfully his and walk into the sunset....no wait, the sunrise. A brand new beginning.....

Cheesy I know.

I can be that kind of person.

However, also I thought it would also be cool if Dean had gotten his amulet back at this point in time. Also a new beginning but very different kind of beginning. So thus, this story was born. And now if you wish to throw things, you may....right after I say....

Once again thanks for those that hanged around to read this story! I greatly appreciate it! *darts away*


End file.
